My defenition

Its not about demonstrating and proving to the world that you are sad and advertizing yourself.
 Its about feeling it within, suddenly realizing that you're not the person that you used to be, that remembering the last time you ever genuinely laughed or felt happy is a struggle because it was much too long ago.
Its putting up a brave face and a smile to your friends so that they don't realize that something is wrong because you don't want to be that "girl with depression" because you never thought it would be you.
It isn't about preferring to be home by yourself, its NEEDING to be home by yourself because the thought of seeing people gives you a terrifying feeling of anxiety although you never used to feel that way before. Its about feeling unwelcome and lonely in a big crowd and crying every day over the most insignificant things because your tears are just reflecting the deep grey clouds lingering in your soul.
 Its the feeling of uselessness, of failure, of believing that you are not worth anything and not even knowing where these feelings come from. Its about having to admit to yourself out loud that you have it, that your'e ill and that you need help although the world will try to tell you that you're just going through a rough patch and that it will pass.
 Its the constant feeling of living in the past because you're trying so hard to cling to those memories of the time when you felt happy and desperately telling yourself that if you just pull yourself together you could be like that again.
 Its about waking up and feeling immediately exhausted at the thought of having to get up and leave your bed because even the nightmares that haunt your dreams are better than the reality of your monotonous life.
Its about the world telling you that you're just being lazy when you try to explain to them that all the energy you used to have to do the most mundane things is gone. And yet you try to tell yourself that if you just tried harder, if you just pulled yourself together maybe all these people are right and its just a phase you're going through.
 But seeking help is not a sign of weakness or defeat, its a sign of strength because you are opening yourself up to finding a cure to this feeling, to becoming the person you used to be.

Walking away from the past.

For the last couple of months I have been struggling to leave the past behind and move forwards. I remember hearing that sentence in the typical boy meets girl kinda movies and thinking it can't be that hard to forget and just move on. However I have found myself trapped in a constant loop of comparing everything I have now, to what I used to have, and that makes me sink even deeper into my sad lonely mind.
Being raised in a sunny beautiful island I never imagined that the things I experienced there with my friends etc... weren't so normal to other people who lived in grey uninteresting cities. Since i've been living in Holland (a country that has a lot of beautiful things to offer but in a dull unexciting manner) I haven't found one single connection with the life I used to live to the one I have to live now.
By this I mean, I spend most of my time at home usually by myself since the people I have met so far have not fueled any kind of interest in me. This doesn't mean I'm a vain bitch who thinks the world revolves around her, no, it's just that you can't force yourself to connect with people that have absolutely nothing in common with you. I respect everyones choice in their lifestyle, however they just don't fit with mine... (partying in small claustrophobic mediocre "clubs", listening and raving to techno and swearing that it's the best music there is, using words like "swag" "bae" "totes cool" in their daily conversations, materialistic and superficial conversations, honestly not being able to have a spiritual or intellectual conversation at all).
I remember finishing school on a thursday going to my friend's house changing and leaving to this amazing rock and roll bar where every thursday was ladies night, going to grab a beer with my friends on friday after school and talking for ages, attending reggae raves with people that I could take outside smoke a cigarette and discuss the meaning of the universe with. I miss that and I can't help but feeling that those were the best days of my life, and the reality of the dull grey world smacked me in the face this year.
Nevertheless, and after a lot of soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that I was meant to spend some time alone this year, that I was meant to "relax" and have a tranquil life, to collect my thoughts and to regenerate myself since last year was chaotic and stressful as much as fun and exciting.
I will not give up and settle, or change and become one of those people that I can't bear to hang out with.
Thankfully, the days when the sun rays creep out of the ever looming grey clouds and I can open my windows to bathe in those tiny rays and light up a joint, I have the perfect playlist to go with it.

Hope you relate

I very recently started writing again, and although the things I write about sometimes can seem complete bullshit, i was actually really proud of this very short description that i drew up while i was completely high and listening to some blues. Here goes:

The sun caressed her slightly tanned skin as she lay on the grass just watching the different shapes the clouds took. The radio beside her playing the songs that she carried in her soul. With her eyes closed she could see the music, feel it flowing through her veins like a shot of heroine that sedated her into a peaceful trance.
Time stopped, issues that clouded her mind every second of every day became irrelevant in this moment, her fears disappeared and her longing for freedom emerged. This was the only time she felt free, at peace with herself.
A swift breeze ruffled her hair slightly and tickled her skin. If she could do anything she wanted for the rest of her life it would be this; being wrapped warmly by the sound of music and float away from her monotonous, unsatisfying, unhappy life.
Here in this instance she was the electricity that flowed through the guitar, the croakiness in the singers voice, the heartbeat of the drums, the hollowness of the bass. This was happiness, and she couldn't let go of that which so closely resembled love.

The song that inspired me, for some reason, was this one: